Quintin 2XV vs Bank Of England III 26.09.09
1 Lee Creaser
2 Vines
3 Talentless
18 Ian MacDonald
5 Joe
6 Mike Merritt-Holmes
7 Russell DeCogan
8 Dylan Syme
9 Howard Staiano
10 Chairman Pookie
11 Matt Castle
12 Pete
13 Paddy
14 Robbo *
15 Nick Akers
Subs: Alex Soignon, Andy Kennedy, Shakes
* Quintin uncapped
Boudin Noir, Eccles Cakes and a Squealing Pig!
False confidence is a funny thing: having played BofE on several occasions, Talentless arrived at The Civil Service with high hopes......laden with black pudding, eccles cakes and john smiths....wearing a rather knatty flat cap....surveying a vista of fine 'northern looking lads' waiting to play for the Quintin Professionals....we had two pink balls...two gilbert match balls...one stolen from Twickenham by one of the real northerners...we were on for a good day!!
We squashed in changing room 12a...Russell stayed in 12b to apply his makeup, as usual.....all went well....stole the water bottles from the 1s....found a whistle for Guyver so that he could hand out summary justice to Quintin, as expected....
Warm up was more successful than normal: two lineout jumpers in Merritt-Holmes and Russell....backs led by Howard, whilst we waited for the tardy Pookie, appeared to gel quite well....
Guyver then convened the pre-match lecture.....we alll listened intently about not talking back to the referee....he told us all of our boots were dangerous and not to give anybody a shoeing as it would be dangerous and he would tell our mums!
Game started at precisely 13:15, remember this is Robo Guyver officiating...so his atomic clock could allow nothing else.....within 2 minutes, Chairman Pookie had angered the referee by answering back..so we faced a penalty....lessons learnt: none!!! Then later, Vines, the total t*sser, loses us 20 yards because he was on the field (Guyver and Vines never got on, you know!)
However, with our new recruiting policy of scowering the local army camps....we had found a new winger...Robbo.....a fine figure of a genuine northerner....rugby league background...not played for a few years....but devasting in attack and more so in defence...he scored early on..then decapitated the oppo fly-half....legally, I may add, but the referee thought that the tackle 'was a bit too rich, old man'!!!
All this makes it sound like a convincing win for Qs...however, in the scrums we were being mangled....Lee had his shoulder almost dislocated early on....Talentless was abysmal, he couldn't even keep his feet on the ground.....even Vines was struggling with the tight head and hooker.....we were turned over on at least three occasions...but improved towards the end of the first half and managed to hold our own in a few...
At half-time, I think that we were 'even stevens'....Matt went off with yet more groin injuries and a hamstring tear....to be replaced by French Alex..... MacDonald of MacDonald also went off because of his worsening cold...to be replaced by Andy Kennedy....
.......then shortly after the break we went into the lead with a fantastic try setup by the backs, scored by former professional Howard De Steyn ........
But soon after, the game was to turn with departure of 'le grand cochon Vines'...all that could be heard was squealing for miles around.....I thought, at first, that he had twisted his nipple but it turned out that it was his wrist was sprained! He was taken to hospital just to shut him up...and we continued uncontested for the next scrum....with Mike M-M coming in at 'loose head' asking 'where do i stick my head?'....its unfortunate in a man so young and, supposedly, intelligent!
Then our saviour, Shakes, stood up and said....'I will take one for the team! I will hook!'....Talentless, stupidly, as usual, was not thinking and agreed....within seconds we were facing a scrum on our 5 metre line....Dylan had no choice but kick the ball at the base of the scrum and concede a penalty try ....
From this point on, we were struggling....they scored again and their kicker must have successfully converted three of their four tries....then the mighty Robbo score from a short range tap penalty....we soldiered on with a reasonably successful lineout with both M-M and Kennedy taking some good ball and some fine back play...but to no avail...we lost! Valiantly but we lost!
Moral of the week: when two old men (Shakes and Talentless) decide to stay contested..when we were being thrashed already in the scrum.....ignore them! There is honour in staying contested but I doubt that this honour would outweigh the honour of a win!
final score: Quintin II 15 - Bank of England III 26
Man of the match : Shakes for his courage ( Robbo for his play...but had absented himself from the prize-giving by this time..to go off back to base ... ) .
Honourable mention : Andy Kennedy ....for some fine play
Girl of the match : Vines...for that excrutiating squeal!
Dishonourable mention : Dylan for not holding up the Q's scrum from behind and thus losing us the game!