Quintin II v Staines IV, Merit Table Match on Saturday 17th October

1  Talentless

Where did it all go wrong? I ask you?

I will try to enlighten those that didn't witness the afternoon's festivities:

12 Noon Kick-off, arranged by our Club Captain....why not 13:00....So, most of the team arrived still drunk from the night before (Excuse Number 1)........

Again, we had plenty of numbers....but a number of people out of position: Guyver as referee..should never have brought a whistle for him; Talentless on the pitch; Mc Ian at tight head; Lee May at 9; Russell at 6, he obviously prefers open! (Excuse Number 2)...

Wixey tired out the youngsters, who were stupid enough to warm up with him.....he's a Welsh pseudo Thespian, you numpties! Don't listen to him! (Excuse Number 3).

Todd arrived late....so we didn't get to practice our advanced lineout techniques before KO....(Flimsy Excuse Number 4)...

Four excuses before we even started, not a great start, is it?

So we started to play.....we were 2 tries down within 5 minutes, despite great work from Lee, Pete and Paddy...Dylan and General James....

The first scrum occurred....Talentfree tried the falling over in the middle of the scrum trick to no avail....then we got on with it....and were pushed off our own ball immediately....

After the third or fourth scrum, Vines succumbed, without even a squeal, to the sidelines....the Great Saviour, Dyke, came on! (Don't tell Stuart....it was all planned!) This helped a bit and we actually held a few of our scrums....until Vines came back on as he forgot the rest of the masterplan...!!

By this time we were 40 points down....Simon Ross, on his first game this season, was broken with mild concussion...but had played well...had ran straight and true into contact!....Kev Smyth was also broken, apparently by a punch which nobody else saw...? So we had to bring on Mike M-H and Joe on the wings and move Nick to his more accustomed position of 15...

The second half began more promisingly...with the backs getting some good runs in.....Joe and Mike contributing well....Jon A arrived with his mate, Peanut, just in time for Vines to forget the plan again...but, luckily Josh Peanut can hook...so he came on....but Talentfree decided to tell him to get off! After being told to shut up, Talentfree allowed Peanut on the field as well as Jono....but sent off Mike M-H to allow Alex some game time...Mike had only been on for 10 minutes.....does this team selector actually know what he's doing? So he sent off Nick to allow Mike back on....then somebody else got broken.. and the new hooker had to go scrum-half...and Chris had to hook for the final scrum, which we immediately lost!

At this point, the gravest error was committed by Lee..he saw in the corner of his eye..a fat northerner at the back of a ruck 5 metres from our line...thinking this player may be capable of doing something with the ball..he passed to him....horror of all horrors...it was that Talentfree bloke, who promptly passed the ball to the ground behind the try line, which was pounced upon by an opposition player!

Game over! 80-0..it was, indeed, a game of two halves of exactly 40 points each...

final score: Quintin II  0  - Staines IV  80

Moral of the week:    find a captain!!! you can't create a silk purse out of lardy black pudding!

Man of the Match :   Joe   -  fantastic defence and offence on the wing as a second row!

Honourable Mention :    Josh  -  scrum half/ hooker...versatile fellow!

Girl of the Match :   Talentless   - for being totally, bl**dy hopeless...

Dishonourable Mention :   Lee May - for allowing Talentless to show his talentless credentials by passing the ball to the loser!