Match Report for Sodam II v Quintin II (Friendly), Saturday 1st November 2008 at 2:30pm
Starting line-up was thus:
1 Dyke
2 Vines
3 Rushton
18 O'Connor
5 Cockring
6 Mitchell D *
7 Thomas
8 Keenan
9 Richard Jones
10 May
11 Cheadle
12 Saunders
13 Munro
14 Sanger *
15 Holcombe
* Dirty Amateur Scum...
Substitutes: Horsfall *; Mitchell C *; Cooney*; Doherty; Smith N
Sodam, Gruyere and Rollmops!
Ahhhh…the delightful situation on a Friday evening……15 players…5 subs…..no dropouts….I slept the sleep of the righteous...
Come Saturday afternoon…..no dropouts but everybody is lost as Shakes, our resident tour guide, has sent all and sundry to the wrong ground!....However, two elder statesmen had found their way to the correct venue: Dyke and Judge Pickles were able to guide the rest of us in to land despite their increasingly drunken stupor…
We eventually started the game at 14:45….with a mad wee Irish lepricorn of a referee, who could not remember the names of the teams…things were going to be fun….Owen was still in the changing rooms at this point trying to fit his truss…so we briefly had 14 men…but no matter..we scored a try within a jiffy…
The opposition had only 14 men so we lent them Shakes, as you do…….their scrum then, obviously, failed..and they resorted to putting the ball in the second row but the lepricorn didn't notice…who cares….we scored at least 25 tries by half time….Damo was a fat tart but scored with his trademark dive…twice, was it?…Dave Saunders was marvellous, as always, and scored at will in long dress shorts…..Luke was marvellous in support and selfless when he may have scored himself….Mighty Munro was close and also selfless in attack…..Sanger scored (note that his tries are not to be counted towards the season's total due to fresh extraordinary legislation, penned by G Whiting Esq.: club laws: section 4.6.7; subsection 3; clause f; special case 2…the pretentious tw*t!!!)….Lee was tremendous at 10 and scored himself at least 10 times, I think!....Luke scored….Everybody scored bar Vines!! Owen and Cockring followed Dyke like puppy dogs on leads! How sweet!
At half-time, after undue influence from the sidelines, I decided that wholesale change was necessary….so my masterplan was put into place….Shakes was taken back from the oppo…Alex replaced their broken 'winger in tights'…….we gave them Keenan…..we gave them Sanger…I came on for us, therefore handing them a further advantage!!.I thought that this would even things up a bit??? Vines, then as per bl**dy usual, started complaining that we only had 14 players…..as usual, he was, in fact, correct again!! So we brought Shakes back on…and continued….it was then pointed out that we had 9 forwards on the field but were one short in the backs….so I made another executive decision from the top drawer.: Shakes went off…Cooney came onto the wing….problem solved….QED (Quite Easily Done!!)…..Nils Illegitimus Carbarundum!! Then Judge Pickles was broken so Mitchell C came on….We love change! We laugh in the face of change!!
Now, of course, things were so even that Quintin didn't score for at least 20 seconds…..my Olympian spirited efforts were to no avail…as Keenan couldn't cheat as well as Dyke…he did try though…..Alex spent most of his time tackling the Might Munro..why tackle hime when Saunders had the ball most of the time….Sanger was nullified by Dave Saunders…..so the tries continued to flood in..again, in the second half, there must have been 30 tries…Saunders…May….Mitchell D…Jones....Thomas…Holcombe….Shakes and Doherty (no, only kidding!!)....everybody except Vines…even Dyke got two but missed the conversions!!
In our efforts to be open and even….we lost the purpose of this game! What was that purpose you ask? It was, of course, to prove that Quintin II are not a winning side but a happy side..!! In this, we failed to my eternal embarrassment! We were not happy as we had, amongst us, amateurs of the worst kind: Mitchells C and D….Cooney S….Sanger J and Horsfall A….!!! But in defeat, we accepted the victory, as you must….
Lee May who had captained brilliantly all afternoon then decided to conduct the post match team tirade in the changing room due to the unfortunate weather…..At last, some respite….and some rollmops and elk, provided by the Swedish professor in celebration of our Swiss theme? And some caviar!! And some toblerone! Swiss roll!! Gluhwein and schnapps!!
After this disaster, I thought I should return to work to seek normality…..amongst the bankers!! I did and there was!!
Final score: 90 - 0….
Man of the match: K Vines…for his ever presence and annoying whining!!
Honourable mention : Holcombe..for being 15...
Girl of the match : A Stream ……for missing the conversions and scoring twice illegally
Dishonourable mention : Sanger, Shakes, Keenan and Horsfall…for volunteering to play for the opposition…